My September 2023 — A Month of Change

Contents

• Reflections
• How My September Went
• Errands To Run, Places To Be
• Overwhelming Anxiety
• My Thanks
• Quote of The Blog

Reflections

Since this is my very first post on reflections (and hopefully more to come), I would like to share with you why I’m starting to write reflections (again).

I used to write monthly reflections a few years ago, but I fell off. I kept writing and lost my purpose while writing them. Those monthly reflections were supposed to be a recap of what happened in the month — good or bad, what could’ve been better, and also to show appreciation for the people around me.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t continue writing because it started to feel like a burden to me and a nuisance to others. The more I wrote, the more it began to look like I was just writing for the sake of writing, and for others to see their names being featured and then receiving a “thank you” from them as a simple acknowledgement.

It started to feel like people only wanted to help or talk to me just so they could see their names in my monthly reflections.

It started to feel fake and I was not having it. I didn’t feel right about writing the reflections also because I wasn’t really living my life at that time. My mental health started to become extremely unstable and everyday was just a blur. I don’t remember anything of any significance and my life just felt like a whole “routine” for every day that passed by. So, I stopped writing.

Fast forward to today, I want to start this whole “reflections” thing again because I want to stop living life aimlessly, give myself a chance to redeem myself for the time I’ve lost in my earlier youth days, and actually keep track of what the heck I’m doing.

If I want a better life, sometimes looking back at the good memories can motivate me to keep pushing on, and as for looking back at the bad memories that happened, I see it as an opportunity to learn how to make things better.

For now, there may or may not be a “monthly” reflections thing going on because I don’t want to feel the pressure of writing just because I have to in due time. But for a start, the things that happened recently coincidentally fell into a month’s time frame, so I called it as it is in the title — “My September 2023”.

How My September Went

I call this month “A Month of Change” because I had many new experiences, gone on new adventures and fought my demons so hard that I almost lost my mind.

Okay, let’s start.

At the start of the month, I started my very own personal blog site. 

Prior to that, I spent countless weeks researching blogs and all that boring stuff, but I decided to stop thinking and start doing — because I got so caught up being worried about what would happen and the amount of things I have to manage in the coming months that may cause commitment issues for the website. 

To simply put, I was overthinking. 

So, I pushed myself to open up my own website and managed everything on my own. It was scary because it did come at a price that made me think twice about whether it was worth it or not. But in the end, I let my gut feelings go with the flow.

If things go well, good for me. If things go bad, I don’t really care — because I did what I wanted.

I started setting up and configuring the website, backend and frontend, all by myself. Although it took some time, it was relatively easy to understand it (as someone that studied codes and websites).

In the midst of setting the website up, I started writing my very first blog. To be frank, that first blog was not meant or planned to be the first. I kinda just let my feelings flow and write whatever was going on in my mind at that time. I wanted things to be perfect, but that’s hardly possible. So I gave in and started writing. I figured that blogs don’t necessarily have to be in chronological order, and not everyone is going to read them all in order, so I assured myself that it is okay to just “start”.

Things don’t always have to be perfect all the time and that’s okay.

After writing and publishing the first blog post, I continued with my second and third, which were posted in the subsequent weeks.

I also started my intern job this month and experienced what the working world is like. Though it was just a start, I would say it was a pretty decent one. I’ve met some pretty amazing, friendly people there and things at work were going seemingly well. I went in with zero expectations and I was quite satisfied. 

I think being open and ready to try new things when you are exposed to a new environment is very important. We all start somewhere and it’s normal to feel the uncertainty and a slight discomfort because we don’t know what to expect. I’m glad I handled things well with this kind of mindset — it prepares me for the unexpected.

Errands To Run, Places To Be

If you know me, I’m a homebody. I like staying home and doing my own things. My social battery is almost not the best — I only have energy to hang out with my friends once in a blue moon — I’m talking “once a month”.

But, if you remember the title of this post, it’s a month of change for me.

This month has been unlike any other. I started hanging out with my family and friends more, and things have been amazing. I admit it’s tiring for me, but whenever I talk and connect with my loved ones, they give me warmth. They take away my stress and recharge my energy, and things balance out. I feel better after every talk, and I also get to affirm my relationships with people.

I’ve been going out almost every single day this month just to run errands, talk with people, and get my shit together. It’s tiring, but fulfilling.

Overwhelming Anxiety

Everything that happened this month came with a little guy that stuck with me everyday — you guessed it — anxiety.

My anxiety levels increased significantly more especially because of the number of new adventures I’ve set out on — a new job, going outside almost everyday (which drained me so much), meeting new people, trying new things.

I know it’s normal to have anxiety, but why is my anxiety being a b*tch and not letting me do the things I want to do and not feel weird about it? It stops me from doing a lot of the things I want to do and it shows me the worst-case scenarios in my head. But good news is that I’ve been doing a good job controlling it so I’m not talking about it as much. Nonetheless, it is still extremely overwhelming. Everything I do, every action — I feel judged, I feel watched, and it does not feel good.

I still try my best everyday — and that’s the least I could do for myself, for now.

My Thanks

If you read till the end, thank you.

If you’re one the people that helped me and talked me through this month, thank you.

If you’re trying your best, thank you.

I hope to say my thanks more often now, I think people around me deserve it.

Thanks for reading. 

And lastly, thank you, me. I’m so proud of you for making it through these tough times.